The walls we build….

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The other day a friend of mine and I were talking about our current relationships and how our childhood imprinted a blueprint we follow even to this day.

We were not childhood friends and our backgrounds are vastly different, yet we are friends because we click. We recognize the blueprint I guess which is the same. We are the masons ; the wall builders. We became experts at one thing “insulating ourselves from pain.”

It funny, I never have deep conversations about my “walls” with others because only another “mason” could understand. I am safe and numb inside the walls, which thicken with time. Yet, I’m not happy. Sure I have moments of happiness but I always wanted to look back and see my life as more happy than sad, not ambivalent. I never truly connect with others and easily let them pass out of my life. I withdraw behind my walls and disconnect from everyone. I can’t seem to help it.

It’s funny how similar we are, my friend and I. Both of us wondering if we will ever be capable of truly loving anyone with our whole soul. If not, can we be contented with the love and connections we are capable of? It’s a difficult thing to think about. We all assume that everyone can fall in love, but not everyone experiences love the same way. We grow up with the romantic notion of a soul mate and the perfect romantic love that is out there if we are just open to it. Really? What if our soul mate is just as broken? What about the ones who never marry; are they just thwarted in their search? Or is there another reason why some choose not to marry? I always thought I would find my balance and my partner in life, yet that hasn’t happened. My friend is on a second marriage and trying to make it work. Yet, something is missing. Is it our blueprint?

We both had fathers who left. We both dealt with the fall out from that — it’s made us who we are– master craftsmen of wall building.

Yet, I always wonder if it’s possible to bulldoze these walls and unlock what is hidden. Would that be better? I’m not sure. My walls serve a purpose, to protect: protect me from being hurt, and my hurting others.

I’ve learned not to want or desire. To live within the boundaries, yet…

To give my heart to someone, to let them love me totally is a rare dream. I hold it like a bird in my hands, afraid to grasp too tightly, afraid to extinguish the hope, the wildly romantic idea that I am capable of a love beyond anything.

I was watching a show the other day that said people are not capable of true change? Do you think that’s true? Am I like a moth to a flame–doomed to repeat the same patterns, to add another brick in the wall, no matter how I try to do things differently?

Maybe I just think too much. Maybe I should just say screw it and risk everything? But then again….is that me futilely fighting my blueprint?

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Challenges

Exhaustion ripples through me like the thunder that echoes beyond the walls.

Hiring a housekeeper should not be so tiring, but I know it’s the emotional strain more than anything. I knew my family would resist the change. It’s a lot to ask them; to move outside their complacency and inertia. Yet, it has not changed my mind or resolve. This change will happen.

Our lives will be lead much differently from now on. The more they resist, the more they fight me, the stronger my will becomes. I’m not going to be lulled back into sleep, my eyes are open and I’m awake.

I don’t want to sleepwalk anymore. I want to feel life, experience life deep within my core. No more excuses, no more hiding behind the walls we’ve made.

I know this is a process. I know it will take time and that it will summon every ounce if strength within me, but I want it. I want it more than I can express. It is that hunger that insatiable need that keeps me going. My will is being tested. My will is strong. I can do this.

They will resist but I’m ready for it, more so now than I’ve ever been. So tonight I celebrate a small victory — the housekeeper.

Tomorrow begins a new battle. The purge.