👵When did i get so old?

There was a time when traipsing through train stations with my world on my back, negotiating maps and streets and hiking through hills, farmlands and forests to get to my goal would not make me so tired.

I would never win athlete of the year, but I could certainly rebound in a day or so and be my plucky self. But! on this trip maybe it’s the clean country air, or the quiet when the church bells or artillery practice aren’t sounding that have coaxed me into such a sleepy feeling…. No! Wait! It’s none of those things! It her

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The doggie siren of sleep! She snuggles up to you and lays her nose under your chin, so warm and soft. She pats you with her tiny paw as if to say “Sleep human, you want to sleep”

And you know what? I do. What wicked sorcery is this that a tiny 10 pound creature can have such an effect on me? She would like nothing more than getting me to stop working and curl up in the sun with her. If only I were on holiday I would. As it is, I return home and curl up exhausted, her paws wrapped around one hand.

The ultimate secret weapon, cuddly dachshunds!

Restless mind

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It’s 7:30 am here in the city. It’s strangely quiet for a Thursday. Or maybe my hearing is less acute from lack of sleep, I’m not sure.

Sugar is softly humming a pleasant sleepy snore; the turtles are lazy not quite sure if they want to wake; and the house is still dark silent. The birds and cars echo from beyond the walls, but no one else inside stirs.

I’ve been up all night arranging and scheduling the details of next week, lining up contacts and particulars on shoots, transportation and tickets. Markus is working on some time to get together and I’ve done all I can on my iPhone.

The next steps are my lists. Lists of what to bring, what to leave behind, info and contacts, as well as projects I know will go undone while I am gone.

And, the whole time I’ve been doing this, there has been a gnawing in my stomach. The feeling of being split. Do I follow what could be a huge opportunity for me and trust that Dee won’t fuck things up? I want to go. I need to go, yet I keep remembering my last trip to Germany and what awaited me on my return.

Can I trust her to have any strength, any resolve at all? Someone told me recently that she is clinging to me like a life preserver, desperate to keep this odd co-dependency in tact. But, what happens to me in the process? What happens to mom. The knots tighten in my stomach at the thought.

It is so strangely sad, this feeling of distrust, that I can’t be comfortable leaving mom alone with her now. I sit and wonder how things have spun so out of control and second guess my decision to go.

I wish I felt better about leaving, I wish the sister I knew so long ago was here. Or that mom was strong enough to deal with her if she melts down. Do wishes ever come true? I don’t know.

This feeling has thrown an ambivalent blanket over my excitement for this trip. Not even being asked to do my first solo album cover seems to give me a rush.

Maybe I will feel different on the plane. Maybe I will breathe if mom FaceTime’s me with an “all’s quiet.” Maybe then I can enjoy this….maybe.
Do wishes come true?

What will you give?

What will you give to witness a transformation?

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What would you give to see a people who are no longer villains or victims?

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How much is it worth to see a rebirth?

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This summer I will be in Germany photographing this new country and people born from the cinders of history.

Meet the new faces of Germany in our global economy.

Make a pledge today, time is running out to fund this poignant and enlightening photo book project!

I am German

I am German;
I am not a Nazi
I am German;
My ancestors were not holocaust
survivors
I am German;
My ancestors were not the SS
I am German;
My family were farmers & teachers
I am German;
I am practical & logical
I am German;
I have a sense of humor
I am German;
I am kind
I am German;
I am proud of how the German
people rebuilt their country out of
the shreds left behind the war
I am German;
I am proud to stand up for my
ancestry.

I am proud, kind, funny & resourceful.

I am German.